In praise of Dad.

I just feel the need to take a second right now and say how much I love my husband. If you can't handle love and other such sappy things, you should probably move towards the exits, folks.

Many people have watched over the last 3 years as we met, fell in love, got married and changed our lives...but what they don't know is how much he has changed mine. Loving him and living by his side on a daily basis has made me a better woman, truly. I am a more confident, relaxed, funny, open-minded, intelligent woman than I've ever been because of him. I feel like I've come into my own so much as a result of learning from him. I'm more mature, more able to admit my own faults, or at least allow them to be pointed out. I am more "real", & ok with not having everything together perfectly, and I can laugh at the craziness instead of stress over it, analyze it and write a ten step process on how to fix it now.

Our marriage has seen more ups and downs in its first few years than most probably see in their first ten... We have experienced everything from multiple miscarriages, job loss, financial struggles, parenting struggles, loss of several loved ones, health scares, moving, loss/change of long standing friendships, my parents' divorce (which really took a toll on me), & many other things. Now we are facing a premature omphalocele baby who will spend months in the NICU.

Still I know that not only will the Lord be ever faithful to us as He always has been, but my Steven will continue to be a rock that I can cling to and a safe shelter to weather whatever storms may come knowing that I'm not alone. Most men, if faced with all this, would be freaking out about how to make it all work, withdrawing and becoming a bitter, somewhat cynical mess until the light at the end of the tunnel was blinding...but not my man. He is too busy ensuring we all get the individual quality time and reassurance we need from him, helping me take it easy by doing things around the house for me, and otherwise keeping me sane in ways only he can. Steven is the only person on this planet that can hold me and tell me it will be ok that I actually believe, and he can still make me laugh while the tears fall. His unwavering support and leadership of our family means more to me than he will ever know, and in our culture that just doesn't recognize dads nearly enough, I wanted the world to know what a great man I have and how lucky Tate is to be his son.


I love you more than you'll ever know, Steven! I appreciate you, I trust you, and I'm so very lucky to have you.

More Than.

As our upcoming ultrasound on Monday draws nearer, and things come together rapidly in preparation for Tate's early arrival, my mind is constantly "on". Many times, I have thought to myself...This is crazy... This is more than we can take right now, this might be more than my little boy can take. 

I'm tempted to fear at times, because I know how much harder everything will be because of his prematurity, and although our doctors are all wonderfully positive, the reality of their information doesn't really help with the whole fear thing. Still I know this.... I am more than this situation, our marriage is more than this situation, our son is so much more than this situation. When I am teetering on the fence between fear and confidence... God brings this verse to my mind: "No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Christ who loved us" (Romans 8:37)

So, I made a commitment to myself, and to my sweet love of a baby boy. I will not fear. I refuse to back down, I refuse to be discouraged. I will not let doubt and anxiousness and worry engulf me. Why should I?

Tate Thompson is going to be a strong, healthy, mighty man of God who will go on to accomplish things that will far outlast his life on earth. What should fear have to do with his life? A champion has no business starting from a place of defeat or negativity. His birth, treatment, recovery, and amazing life thereafter is going to be a story of God's faithfulness and triumph over and over again. So, fear has no part in his life, not even while he is still developing in my womb. I choose to speak wholeness and victory over him from the very beginning. My boy is INCREDIBLE!



He is more than a conqueror.

Game Changer

Today, we saw Dr. Zink to check in on little Tate. He is just adorable as can be and has a nice strong heartbeat. Developmentally, he looks great. A little small for his gestational age, but still great. He weighed in at just 1 pound, 11 ounces this afternoon. Cute little thing. :)

Life as we know it, though? Well, its about to change. Sooner than I think anybody thought. I have mentioned his echogenic bowel a few times before. We discovered that the section of bowel we have been watching for some reason or another has stopped functioning properly. There is still noticeable activity in the tissue, so it's not dead completely, but it's not doing its job. It appears Tate has an obstruction, which basically means his stool is collecting at that one spot in his bowel instead of moving through. As more waste accumulates in that area, his bowel is dilating larger and larger.

What this means is that our little man will be joining us much more quickly than we thought he would. We are 26 weeks along today, and they will see us again in two weeks to re-check his progress. By then, I will be in the third trimester and he will have had a little more time to develop. Although it's very doubtful at this point, there is a possibility he will be here in as little as two weeks from now. My mommy gut is telling me sometime between 4-6 weeks. (Holy crap!)  There is no official threshold for the size of the bowel obstruction, but right now, he is at 12 or 13 mm. The risk is that it will grow so large that his bowel could rupture, which would cause him to become septic and he most likely would not survive. So, Dr. Zink said based on all the other factors weighing in, if it gets to about 20 mm, we will have to induce, regardless of how far along we are.

Being as optimistic as I could, I started asking Dr. Zink questions about our delivery options as previously discussed, for when we get to 38 weeks. She just smiled and gently said, "I don't think that is something we even need to worry about." That's when I kinda got the picture that we would not be having a full term baby.

So, here I am. Not quite freaking out, but definitely a ball of nerves, because I know the risks for Tate increase because of his prematurity. And because I still feel utterly unprepared to have a preemie omphalocele baby in the NICU. (Just how, exactly, does one prepare for that, again?!) But still, I know the he is going to be ok, and God is good and has it handled. I may not be able to do anything about the situation, but I can go in as peaceful and full of trust as possible.

So, I'm asking you to pray. Pray for Tate, that his lungs develop rapidly and that he stays strong and grows healthy. Pray that our induction and delivery will go smoothly and will not end up in c-section. Pray that we will be prepared as possible as a family, and we will have wisdom and discernment as parents while we make medical decisions for our tiny son during the first few weeks when we will be physically and emotionally taxed the most. And please pass the word on and all your friends and family to pray, as well.

Thank you for all of the love and support we have received. I will keep everyone posted as we learn more over the coming weeks!

Control

Lately, I have found myself sitting in a puddle of pregnancy hormone-induced tears more than once as I spend time snuggling with Tate's older sister. My baby girl is about to turn one next month, and I am still in shock that a year has already passed since I was laughing with tears of joy streaming down my face in the delivery room with my brand new beautiful little peanut in my arms. (Have I mentioned how much I CAN'T WAIT to hold Tate and see his sweet little face?!?) It's a strange mix of my heart being sad to see her grow up so fast, yet simultaneously swell with pride at all she has learned and will learn. She is so smart, witty, charming, and determined already, and having her joyful little self for the last year has taught me the true meaning behind the phrase "my cup runneth over".

It makes me think about the difficulty we have as parents to let go and give our children back to God. We are entrusted with them for this short life on Earth, and there are so many things that we must teach them. In between all the lessons and preparations for their adult life, you also give yourself away completely to them in ways they will never understand until they have kids of their own.... Your time, money, career/education, security, sanity, basic needs (Can anyone say SLEEP?), comfort, convenience, health, marriage, friendships, and pretty much every other aspect of your life is directly connected to the heart of you that wants the best for them, regardless of the sacrifice it requires. Not surprising why it is so hard when we realize that we are ultimately not in control of their lives any more than we are our own, huh? I can not "save" Tate or our other children from life's difficulties any more than I can keep my sweet baby girl from growing up and amazing us on a daily basis.

I can't control the fact that Tate has an omphalocele, or that he is going to have so much to face from the day he is born. In as many ways as possible, I plan to be "in control" of Tate's care by researching and educating myself enough to have the confidence to ask questions and go with my gut as his mama. But no matter which paths we take in his treatments, there is no way to control the outcome and how he responds to them. In a way, these facts are somewhat depressing and can give me anxiety in the worst way when I think about my baby laying in a hospital bed, possibly in pain. But in another way, they are a relief... Whatever we face as a family or as individuals, God is in control, and He is good. He sees all the answers that I don't have right now, and He  is orchestrating everything for our benefit (Romans 8:28). It gives me peace to know that I don't have to be able to see everything and know everything in order to know that we are going to be ok. And while I'm going to be needing a major reminder of this when Tate gets here and I'm freaking out at all the possibilities and trying to make the right decisions for him... I know God will still be there.

So for now, I'm trying to do everything I can to be intentional and soak up the last couple of months before we become a family of five. I'm making an effort to be more "present" with my family, and especially with my baby girl who is about to learn that our world truly doesn't revolve around only her, and she will have to get used to sharing mommy and daddy with her new baby brother. I am snuggling with and kissing my husband more and trying to put the time in to grow our love deeper and stronger before this upcoming test. I'm thinking of ways to make memories that we will never forget with all of us together. And I'm praying and hoping that God will create a strong enough heart in me to raise my kids to really, truly believe in the very depths of their soul that a life lived for God is worth it and that their life is really not about them, after all. And God help me, I will try my hardest to give them an example worth following...because life is moving at warp speed around here! No time to waste.

Dealing With Fear

I am so blessed to be a part of an amazing group of omphalocele parents on Facebook that is very active in sharing their pictures, stories, struggles and good days. Sometimes when it feels like my brain is going to explode if I think about one more "what if", I go there and see their amazing kids who are fighting bravely and surviving successfully...especially because most of these babies have it much worse than Tate does. I remind myself that God is with them, and they are doing great despite all their obstacles, and if they can do it, certainly we can! But I'd be lying if I said I actually convince myself 100%  that everything is going to be fine and I completely let go of my worry.

There are so many things that go into an omphalocele baby and their care. Like I posted about before, most are things that you never really think about until you are in this position. I worry about our house...whether or not I will ever be able to sterilize it enough for him, whether or not it's safe for us to live as far away from town as we do since ambulance response times here are not very good, and so on. I worry about whether I am good enough at infant CPR if things came to that, since there are so many feeding issues with O babies. I am so excited to meet him and have him here with us, but there can be days where fear threatens to take over.

It's funny, though, how the Lord works. As I was scrolling through my News Feed on Facebook the other day, feeling particularly overwhelmed with all the unknowns, I saw this same message repeated over and over again: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." No less than six different people posted it, around the same time, all of them unrelated to eachother and unaware of my mental struggle that day. God has a faithful, gentle, persistent way of reminding me that my focus needs to be on this Joshua 1:9 frame of mind... Not on all the details, or the possibilities, or the obstacles, or really anything else but this: strength, courage, encouraging myself, trusting the Lord is with us every step of the way no matter what happens.

Things You Never Think About

When we first found out about Tate's "O", I was overwhelmed with just the idea of my tiny newborn baby having surgery and being in the NICU. In a way, I guess that is still a very daunting thing for me that I know I don't fully grasp yet. But as more time passes, more of the details and logistics have come to mind, some scary and some funny. So I figured I'd take some time to document where my brain is the majority of the time right now.

Lately, I think about things like:

• Riding in the car. Most omphalocele babies come home from the hospital long before their abdomen has been completely closed, particularly with muscles. And even then, their organs will always be in funny places, so things that are usually protected by the ribs are not, and so on. So far, I have seen two methods: a car bed, which is pretty much what it sounds like... Baby lays down on his back and is strapped in to this bed-looking thing that is secured to the car. The other one is what I have affectionately named the "O" helmet. A custom fit hard plastic brace that goes over the omphalocele to shield it from impact that is always worn in the car seat... Don't ask me how you strap THAT in! :) I can see the comedy in the hospital parking lot going home already.

• What to buy/register for. Tate is likely to be a bit on the small side because of possible absorption issues with his intestines, and because the average gestation for an omphalocele baby is only 33 weeks. On the other hand, some "o" babies make it to term and are average-sized little ones, all except for the mass on their belly. In addition, we have no way of knowing how fast he will grow, so buying clothes in season ahead of time is near impossible. Oh, and then there is the whole snaps vs. zippers thing. As long as he is in the NICU, he will pretty much only be allowed to wear socks and hats, until the surgery is complete and he is healed nicely. Then, once his belly has healed, he can wear clothes but they have to be fastened with snaps instead of zippers to allow room for the cords to go where they need to go. Tate's shower is coming up on March 24, & we've decided to have a cutest sock contest in his honor so he can rock the NICU in style. :)

• Whether or not Tate will be able to play sports. Sports are a big part of our family... Tate's big brother plays baseball and football. And of course, my husband is looking forward to being able to be an active part of that area of his life as he grows up. So far, everything is looking good for him, and from what I have talked about with other omphalocele parents, their kiddos have been more than capable of playing sports. Most have restrictions to stay away from any contact sports (read: football), or are required to wear a special apparatus made by a occupational therapist that will protect them above and beyond what normal protective gear does. The biggest reason for this is because often the organs in "O" people are jumbled up inside their abdomen, and remain that way for life. Most of the time, that doesn't cause too many issues, but in the case of contact sports, if, for example, his liver were to be below the ribcage and therefore not protected, he could easily lacerate it from getting hit. Needless to say, that could be catastrophic. Like I said, so far, it looks like all of his organs are relatively close to the normal arrangement inside his abdomen, but we are really hoping he can be a part of athletics with the rest of the family. And certainly we will love him just the same if he can't. :)

• What his bellybutton will look like. Essentially, he doesn't have one until he gets cosmetic surgery, which will most likely just be tacked on to whatever surgical procedure we do to put his organs back inside and seal everything up. I have seen many pictures of different bellybuttons that surgeons give omphalocele patients. Some are really good, some are really bad, and some just don't have a bellybutton period after the multiple surgeries. Omphalocele kiddos are also very prone to hernias, so it makes me wonder how he will fare after all that he will go through. Of course, he is my baby and I will always think he is perfect the way he is, but I dread the day that he gets made fun of by other kids who don't understand why he looks different. I pray that our family can raise him up to be a godly, strong young man who is not ashamed of all that the Lord has brought him through and wear whatever scars or funny bellybutton he may have with pride. 

Also, since I haven't written in a while, I have an update from our last ultrasound on February 11th. Tate looks great! He is snugly nestled very low in my pelvis and facing my spine...the perfect position for delivery, so that is a plus. However, it makes it very difficult to get a clear shot of anything on the front of his body....you know, the little things like his face or his omphalocele. ;) What we were able to see is that it continues to be very small and minor, and he is proud of his little man parts that he flashes with pride every chance he gets :) His bowel is still glowing quite a bit, but there were no changes that alarmed Dr. Zink. She postponed referring us to pediatric surgery until 30 weeks, but I think I may press her to move that up, because I want to have time to interview more than one doctor in the event that I don't like the first one we are given. In the grand scheme of things, Tate couldn't look better as an omphalocele baby, and what we thought was going to be several months in the hospital could now turn into just a couple of weeks if things continue in the positive manner that they have been. Praise God for that! We will continue to pray that his echogenic bowel issue will not be a serious matter that requires surgery or has lasting effects on him, and she will see us again for another ultrasound on March 11th! Other than all that, all of his organs and muscles look great and he is growing right on track. He weighed in at exactly one pound last Monday...can't believe it! We will also see our OBGYN Dr. Downey in a week from now, but I don't expect that appointment to be very eventful. 

As of last week, I finally actually look like I am pregnant and not just holding on to extra weight from eating too much during the holiday season. :) I love being pregnant and looking pregnant! I am 23 weeks along today, and this little guy is kicking around in my belly almost constantly. I love trying to gauge how much stronger he is getting by seeing how much he can make my stomach move around visibly from the outside. So far, I have been feeling good and have had minimal hip pain, which I had pretty bad with Tate's sister at this point in the pregnancy. I am hoping that I will avoid the pelvic pain that I had as she got bigger last time, but I am sure that is just wishful thinking...I'm already getting tired quicker and having a slightly sore back occasionally :) It makes me happy to know he is growing though, so no complaints here! I am one blessed mom to some amazing kids, and I cannot wait to finally meet this incredible little miracle. I feel so lucky that God picked me to be his mama already, and I love dreaming of all the joy he is going to bring to our family.

Mama's in her happy place :)

We are praising God in the Thompson house this week, to say the least!

This past Monday, we went to see Dr. Zink  (our MFM/perinatologist) for Tate's anatomy ultrasound. Because we hadn't seen him since a brief "unofficial" peek at 15 weeks, we anticipated that his omphalocele would be considerably larger now that he was 19 weeks. At the last one, we saw several loops of bowel outside of his belly, just two weeks after discovering his omphalocele as a tiny bump on his bellybutton. Since there was such a huge change in the first two weeks, we thought surely he would have quite a bit out by now.

Well, wouldn't you know that the ultrasound tech was shaking her head and asking if we were sure he was diagnosed with an omphalocele officially. Tate's omphalocele has shrunk so much that it is now just a little "knuckle" of small intestine looped into his bellybutton! Later, Dr. Zink came in and we talked about how great he looks. She said she deals with many omphalocele babies and she had only ever had one other one who did this well. She was expecting his omphalocele to be roughly the size of his head, and instead it is about 6 x 9 centimeters. What an amazing God knitting my little boy together to be exactly who he is meant to be!

We also found out that I have an anterior placenta, which means that it's serving as a cushion between him and my belly, and makes his little kicks hard to feel from the outside. That explains why I thought he was so quiet in there! Not to worry, I feel him practicing his little ninja moves on either side of the placenta for the majority of the day. He is cracking me up already!

At this point, it is a very real possibility that I will not have to deliver via c-section, which has done wonders for me mentally and emotionally. With Tate's sister, I really wanted a natural delivery, with no medical interventions or medications. I prepared as best I could, but the last three days of her pregnancy, I developed pre-eclampsia and my kidneys and liver began to shut down. Much to my disappointment, we had to induce for the safety of both of us, but it honestly ended up being the closest thing to what I wanted as possible, considering the circumstances. I did end up with an epidural towards the very end, but that was the only medication I received the entire time. (Which is really saying something if you know anything about labor induction!)

Naturally, I had my heart set on trying again with Tate. We hired a doula as soon as we found out I was pregnant, and started dreaming of achieving the natural birth that is so important to me. Then when I found out I was going to be stuck with a c-section, my heart sank and has kinda stayed there, in a way, ever since. Since Monday, I feel like I am back in my pregnancy happy place like I was throughout my last one. My excitement about the day I get to meet Tate has multiplied exponentially now that I don't have major abdominal surgery hanging over my head. I realize there are certainly no guarantees, but I'm going to continue to pray and believe that the Lord will fulfill the desire in my heart to have a completely natural birth. Since I came so very, very close to it last time, I'm confident that I have the strength to see it through, provided no complications force my hand like last time. (Note to self: do NOT take Ambien if they offer it again! :) I am so proud of Tate already for how strong he has been and I want to show him that his Mama is strong, too!

Among all the great news we received, there is something that I want to ask for prayer about, though. Tate's bowel appeared to be very echogenic this ultrasound. Translation: it glows white on the ultrasound, which indicates something abnormal. Dr. Zink told us it's common to see that in babies who have swallowed blood at some point during the pregnancy (which is not that big of a deal), & the digested blood cells glow white inside the bowel. However, it is clear that his is not glowing because of what is in his bowel, but rather it's definitely the bowel itself... She will see us again on February 11th to see if anything has changed and will refer us out to the appropriate team of specialists at that time who will be taking care of Tate after he is born (pediatric surgeon, neonatologist, etc.) She said it could be that his bowel was damaged as it grew because of the omphalocele, and we will just continue to watch it as he develops. There is no real way to know what is wrong with it until after he is born, though.

Right now, looking at the small size of his omphalocele, we are most likely going to be blessed to have drastically reduced the amount of time Tate will be in the NICU, as well as the number of surgeries and their extent, and the complications with breathing and other functions that usually come with omphaloceles. However, if this echogenic bowel turns out to be something serious, that could require several surgeries of its own and really set him back. So, please pray with us throughout the rest of this pregnancy that his bowel will be healthy and fully functioning, and will not adversely affect him long term or require any surgical interventions.

We see our OBGYN Dr. Downey on Monday, where we will discuss our delivery plans more in depth. Have I mentioned how incredibly blessed we are to have a team of doctors who are not only trustworthy, skilled and well-researched, but put their faith in the same powerful God that we do? I couldn't recommend Dr. Zink and Dr. Downey more highly! They are worth every extra effort it takes to drive an hour or more to see them each time. Just had to say it!

That's all for now. :)