I just feel the need to take a second right now and say how much I love my husband. If you can't handle love and other such sappy things, you should probably move towards the exits, folks.
Many people have watched over the last 3 years as we met, fell in love, got married and changed our lives...but what they don't know is how much he has changed mine. Loving him and living by his side on a daily basis has made me a better woman, truly. I am a more confident, relaxed, funny, open-minded, intelligent woman than I've ever been because of him. I feel like I've come into my own so much as a result of learning from him. I'm more mature, more able to admit my own faults, or at least allow them to be pointed out. I am more "real", & ok with not having everything together perfectly, and I can laugh at the craziness instead of stress over it, analyze it and write a ten step process on how to fix it now.
Our marriage has seen more ups and downs in its first few years than most probably see in their first ten... We have experienced everything from multiple miscarriages, job loss, financial struggles, parenting struggles, loss of several loved ones, health scares, moving, loss/change of long standing friendships, my parents' divorce (which really took a toll on me), & many other things. Now we are facing a premature omphalocele baby who will spend months in the NICU.
Still I know that not only will the Lord be ever faithful to us as He always has been, but my Steven will continue to be a rock that I can cling to and a safe shelter to weather whatever storms may come knowing that I'm not alone. Most men, if faced with all this, would be freaking out about how to make it all work, withdrawing and becoming a bitter, somewhat cynical mess until the light at the end of the tunnel was blinding...but not my man. He is too busy ensuring we all get the individual quality time and reassurance we need from him, helping me take it easy by doing things around the house for me, and otherwise keeping me sane in ways only he can. Steven is the only person on this planet that can hold me and tell me it will be ok that I actually believe, and he can still make me laugh while the tears fall. His unwavering support and leadership of our family means more to me than he will ever know, and in our culture that just doesn't recognize dads nearly enough, I wanted the world to know what a great man I have and how lucky Tate is to be his son.
I love you more than you'll ever know, Steven! I appreciate you, I trust you, and I'm so very lucky to have you.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Friday, March 22, 2013
More Than.
As our upcoming ultrasound on Monday draws nearer, and things come together rapidly in preparation for Tate's early arrival, my mind is constantly "on". Many times, I have thought to myself...This is crazy... This is more than we can take right now, this might be more than my little boy can take.
I'm tempted to fear at times, because I know how much harder everything will be because of his prematurity, and although our doctors are all wonderfully positive, the reality of their information doesn't really help with the whole fear thing. Still I know this.... I am more than this situation, our marriage is more than this situation, our son is so much more than this situation. When I am teetering on the fence between fear and confidence... God brings this verse to my mind: "No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Christ who loved us" (Romans 8:37)
So, I made a commitment to myself, and to my sweet love of a baby boy. I will not fear. I refuse to back down, I refuse to be discouraged. I will not let doubt and anxiousness and worry engulf me. Why should I?
Tate Thompson is going to be a strong, healthy, mighty man of God who will go on to accomplish things that will far outlast his life on earth. What should fear have to do with his life? A champion has no business starting from a place of defeat or negativity. His birth, treatment, recovery, and amazing life thereafter is going to be a story of God's faithfulness and triumph over and over again. So, fear has no part in his life, not even while he is still developing in my womb. I choose to speak wholeness and victory over him from the very beginning. My boy is INCREDIBLE!
He is more than a conqueror.
I'm tempted to fear at times, because I know how much harder everything will be because of his prematurity, and although our doctors are all wonderfully positive, the reality of their information doesn't really help with the whole fear thing. Still I know this.... I am more than this situation, our marriage is more than this situation, our son is so much more than this situation. When I am teetering on the fence between fear and confidence... God brings this verse to my mind: "No, in all these things, we are more than conquerors through Christ who loved us" (Romans 8:37)
So, I made a commitment to myself, and to my sweet love of a baby boy. I will not fear. I refuse to back down, I refuse to be discouraged. I will not let doubt and anxiousness and worry engulf me. Why should I?
Tate Thompson is going to be a strong, healthy, mighty man of God who will go on to accomplish things that will far outlast his life on earth. What should fear have to do with his life? A champion has no business starting from a place of defeat or negativity. His birth, treatment, recovery, and amazing life thereafter is going to be a story of God's faithfulness and triumph over and over again. So, fear has no part in his life, not even while he is still developing in my womb. I choose to speak wholeness and victory over him from the very beginning. My boy is INCREDIBLE!
He is more than a conqueror.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Game Changer
Today, we saw Dr. Zink to check in on little Tate. He is just adorable as can be and has a nice strong heartbeat. Developmentally, he looks great. A little small for his gestational age, but still great. He weighed in at just 1 pound, 11 ounces this afternoon. Cute little thing. :)
Life as we know it, though? Well, its about to change. Sooner than I think anybody thought. I have mentioned his echogenic bowel a few times before. We discovered that the section of bowel we have been watching for some reason or another has stopped functioning properly. There is still noticeable activity in the tissue, so it's not dead completely, but it's not doing its job. It appears Tate has an obstruction, which basically means his stool is collecting at that one spot in his bowel instead of moving through. As more waste accumulates in that area, his bowel is dilating larger and larger.
What this means is that our little man will be joining us much more quickly than we thought he would. We are 26 weeks along today, and they will see us again in two weeks to re-check his progress. By then, I will be in the third trimester and he will have had a little more time to develop. Although it's very doubtful at this point, there is a possibility he will be here in as little as two weeks from now. My mommy gut is telling me sometime between 4-6 weeks. (Holy crap!) There is no official threshold for the size of the bowel obstruction, but right now, he is at 12 or 13 mm. The risk is that it will grow so large that his bowel could rupture, which would cause him to become septic and he most likely would not survive. So, Dr. Zink said based on all the other factors weighing in, if it gets to about 20 mm, we will have to induce, regardless of how far along we are.
Being as optimistic as I could, I started asking Dr. Zink questions about our delivery options as previously discussed, for when we get to 38 weeks. She just smiled and gently said, "I don't think that is something we even need to worry about." That's when I kinda got the picture that we would not be having a full term baby.
So, here I am. Not quite freaking out, but definitely a ball of nerves, because I know the risks for Tate increase because of his prematurity. And because I still feel utterly unprepared to have a preemie omphalocele baby in the NICU. (Just how, exactly, does one prepare for that, again?!) But still, I know the he is going to be ok, and God is good and has it handled. I may not be able to do anything about the situation, but I can go in as peaceful and full of trust as possible.
So, I'm asking you to pray. Pray for Tate, that his lungs develop rapidly and that he stays strong and grows healthy. Pray that our induction and delivery will go smoothly and will not end up in c-section. Pray that we will be prepared as possible as a family, and we will have wisdom and discernment as parents while we make medical decisions for our tiny son during the first few weeks when we will be physically and emotionally taxed the most. And please pass the word on and all your friends and family to pray, as well.
Thank you for all of the love and support we have received. I will keep everyone posted as we learn more over the coming weeks!
Life as we know it, though? Well, its about to change. Sooner than I think anybody thought. I have mentioned his echogenic bowel a few times before. We discovered that the section of bowel we have been watching for some reason or another has stopped functioning properly. There is still noticeable activity in the tissue, so it's not dead completely, but it's not doing its job. It appears Tate has an obstruction, which basically means his stool is collecting at that one spot in his bowel instead of moving through. As more waste accumulates in that area, his bowel is dilating larger and larger.
What this means is that our little man will be joining us much more quickly than we thought he would. We are 26 weeks along today, and they will see us again in two weeks to re-check his progress. By then, I will be in the third trimester and he will have had a little more time to develop. Although it's very doubtful at this point, there is a possibility he will be here in as little as two weeks from now. My mommy gut is telling me sometime between 4-6 weeks. (Holy crap!) There is no official threshold for the size of the bowel obstruction, but right now, he is at 12 or 13 mm. The risk is that it will grow so large that his bowel could rupture, which would cause him to become septic and he most likely would not survive. So, Dr. Zink said based on all the other factors weighing in, if it gets to about 20 mm, we will have to induce, regardless of how far along we are.
Being as optimistic as I could, I started asking Dr. Zink questions about our delivery options as previously discussed, for when we get to 38 weeks. She just smiled and gently said, "I don't think that is something we even need to worry about." That's when I kinda got the picture that we would not be having a full term baby.
So, here I am. Not quite freaking out, but definitely a ball of nerves, because I know the risks for Tate increase because of his prematurity. And because I still feel utterly unprepared to have a preemie omphalocele baby in the NICU. (Just how, exactly, does one prepare for that, again?!) But still, I know the he is going to be ok, and God is good and has it handled. I may not be able to do anything about the situation, but I can go in as peaceful and full of trust as possible.
So, I'm asking you to pray. Pray for Tate, that his lungs develop rapidly and that he stays strong and grows healthy. Pray that our induction and delivery will go smoothly and will not end up in c-section. Pray that we will be prepared as possible as a family, and we will have wisdom and discernment as parents while we make medical decisions for our tiny son during the first few weeks when we will be physically and emotionally taxed the most. And please pass the word on and all your friends and family to pray, as well.
Thank you for all of the love and support we have received. I will keep everyone posted as we learn more over the coming weeks!
Monday, March 4, 2013
Control
Lately, I have found myself sitting in a puddle of pregnancy hormone-induced tears more than once as I spend time snuggling with Tate's older sister. My baby girl is about to turn one next month, and I am still in shock that a year has already passed since I was laughing with tears of joy streaming down my face in the delivery room with my brand new beautiful little peanut in my arms. (Have I mentioned how much I CAN'T WAIT to hold Tate and see his sweet little face?!?) It's a strange mix of my heart being sad to see her grow up so fast, yet simultaneously swell with pride at all she has learned and will learn. She is so smart, witty, charming, and determined already, and having her joyful little self for the last year has taught me the true meaning behind the phrase "my cup runneth over".
It makes me think about the difficulty we have as parents to let go and give our children back to God. We are entrusted with them for this short life on Earth, and there are so many things that we must teach them. In between all the lessons and preparations for their adult life, you also give yourself away completely to them in ways they will never understand until they have kids of their own.... Your time, money, career/education, security, sanity, basic needs (Can anyone say SLEEP?), comfort, convenience, health, marriage, friendships, and pretty much every other aspect of your life is directly connected to the heart of you that wants the best for them, regardless of the sacrifice it requires. Not surprising why it is so hard when we realize that we are ultimately not in control of their lives any more than we are our own, huh? I can not "save" Tate or our other children from life's difficulties any more than I can keep my sweet baby girl from growing up and amazing us on a daily basis.
I can't control the fact that Tate has an omphalocele, or that he is going to have so much to face from the day he is born. In as many ways as possible, I plan to be "in control" of Tate's care by researching and educating myself enough to have the confidence to ask questions and go with my gut as his mama. But no matter which paths we take in his treatments, there is no way to control the outcome and how he responds to them. In a way, these facts are somewhat depressing and can give me anxiety in the worst way when I think about my baby laying in a hospital bed, possibly in pain. But in another way, they are a relief... Whatever we face as a family or as individuals, God is in control, and He is good. He sees all the answers that I don't have right now, and He is orchestrating everything for our benefit (Romans 8:28). It gives me peace to know that I don't have to be able to see everything and know everything in order to know that we are going to be ok. And while I'm going to be needing a major reminder of this when Tate gets here and I'm freaking out at all the possibilities and trying to make the right decisions for him... I know God will still be there.
So for now, I'm trying to do everything I can to be intentional and soak up the last couple of months before we become a family of five. I'm making an effort to be more "present" with my family, and especially with my baby girl who is about to learn that our world truly doesn't revolve around only her, and she will have to get used to sharing mommy and daddy with her new baby brother. I am snuggling with and kissing my husband more and trying to put the time in to grow our love deeper and stronger before this upcoming test. I'm thinking of ways to make memories that we will never forget with all of us together. And I'm praying and hoping that God will create a strong enough heart in me to raise my kids to really, truly believe in the very depths of their soul that a life lived for God is worth it and that their life is really not about them, after all. And God help me, I will try my hardest to give them an example worth following...because life is moving at warp speed around here! No time to waste.
It makes me think about the difficulty we have as parents to let go and give our children back to God. We are entrusted with them for this short life on Earth, and there are so many things that we must teach them. In between all the lessons and preparations for their adult life, you also give yourself away completely to them in ways they will never understand until they have kids of their own.... Your time, money, career/education, security, sanity, basic needs (Can anyone say SLEEP?), comfort, convenience, health, marriage, friendships, and pretty much every other aspect of your life is directly connected to the heart of you that wants the best for them, regardless of the sacrifice it requires. Not surprising why it is so hard when we realize that we are ultimately not in control of their lives any more than we are our own, huh? I can not "save" Tate or our other children from life's difficulties any more than I can keep my sweet baby girl from growing up and amazing us on a daily basis.
I can't control the fact that Tate has an omphalocele, or that he is going to have so much to face from the day he is born. In as many ways as possible, I plan to be "in control" of Tate's care by researching and educating myself enough to have the confidence to ask questions and go with my gut as his mama. But no matter which paths we take in his treatments, there is no way to control the outcome and how he responds to them. In a way, these facts are somewhat depressing and can give me anxiety in the worst way when I think about my baby laying in a hospital bed, possibly in pain. But in another way, they are a relief... Whatever we face as a family or as individuals, God is in control, and He is good. He sees all the answers that I don't have right now, and He is orchestrating everything for our benefit (Romans 8:28). It gives me peace to know that I don't have to be able to see everything and know everything in order to know that we are going to be ok. And while I'm going to be needing a major reminder of this when Tate gets here and I'm freaking out at all the possibilities and trying to make the right decisions for him... I know God will still be there.
So for now, I'm trying to do everything I can to be intentional and soak up the last couple of months before we become a family of five. I'm making an effort to be more "present" with my family, and especially with my baby girl who is about to learn that our world truly doesn't revolve around only her, and she will have to get used to sharing mommy and daddy with her new baby brother. I am snuggling with and kissing my husband more and trying to put the time in to grow our love deeper and stronger before this upcoming test. I'm thinking of ways to make memories that we will never forget with all of us together. And I'm praying and hoping that God will create a strong enough heart in me to raise my kids to really, truly believe in the very depths of their soul that a life lived for God is worth it and that their life is really not about them, after all. And God help me, I will try my hardest to give them an example worth following...because life is moving at warp speed around here! No time to waste.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Dealing With Fear
I am so blessed to be a part of an amazing group of omphalocele parents on Facebook that is very active in sharing their pictures, stories, struggles and good days. Sometimes when it feels like my brain is going to explode if I think about one more "what if", I go there and see their amazing kids who are fighting bravely and surviving successfully...especially because most of these babies have it much worse than Tate does. I remind myself that God is with them, and they are doing great despite all their obstacles, and if they can do it, certainly we can! But I'd be lying if I said I actually convince myself 100% that everything is going to be fine and I completely let go of my worry.
There are so many things that go into an omphalocele baby and their care. Like I posted about before, most are things that you never really think about until you are in this position. I worry about our house...whether or not I will ever be able to sterilize it enough for him, whether or not it's safe for us to live as far away from town as we do since ambulance response times here are not very good, and so on. I worry about whether I am good enough at infant CPR if things came to that, since there are so many feeding issues with O babies. I am so excited to meet him and have him here with us, but there can be days where fear threatens to take over.
It's funny, though, how the Lord works. As I was scrolling through my News Feed on Facebook the other day, feeling particularly overwhelmed with all the unknowns, I saw this same message repeated over and over again: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." No less than six different people posted it, around the same time, all of them unrelated to eachother and unaware of my mental struggle that day. God has a faithful, gentle, persistent way of reminding me that my focus needs to be on this Joshua 1:9 frame of mind... Not on all the details, or the possibilities, or the obstacles, or really anything else but this: strength, courage, encouraging myself, trusting the Lord is with us every step of the way no matter what happens.
There are so many things that go into an omphalocele baby and their care. Like I posted about before, most are things that you never really think about until you are in this position. I worry about our house...whether or not I will ever be able to sterilize it enough for him, whether or not it's safe for us to live as far away from town as we do since ambulance response times here are not very good, and so on. I worry about whether I am good enough at infant CPR if things came to that, since there are so many feeding issues with O babies. I am so excited to meet him and have him here with us, but there can be days where fear threatens to take over.
It's funny, though, how the Lord works. As I was scrolling through my News Feed on Facebook the other day, feeling particularly overwhelmed with all the unknowns, I saw this same message repeated over and over again: "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified, do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." No less than six different people posted it, around the same time, all of them unrelated to eachother and unaware of my mental struggle that day. God has a faithful, gentle, persistent way of reminding me that my focus needs to be on this Joshua 1:9 frame of mind... Not on all the details, or the possibilities, or the obstacles, or really anything else but this: strength, courage, encouraging myself, trusting the Lord is with us every step of the way no matter what happens.
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