Control

Lately, I have found myself sitting in a puddle of pregnancy hormone-induced tears more than once as I spend time snuggling with Tate's older sister. My baby girl is about to turn one next month, and I am still in shock that a year has already passed since I was laughing with tears of joy streaming down my face in the delivery room with my brand new beautiful little peanut in my arms. (Have I mentioned how much I CAN'T WAIT to hold Tate and see his sweet little face?!?) It's a strange mix of my heart being sad to see her grow up so fast, yet simultaneously swell with pride at all she has learned and will learn. She is so smart, witty, charming, and determined already, and having her joyful little self for the last year has taught me the true meaning behind the phrase "my cup runneth over".

It makes me think about the difficulty we have as parents to let go and give our children back to God. We are entrusted with them for this short life on Earth, and there are so many things that we must teach them. In between all the lessons and preparations for their adult life, you also give yourself away completely to them in ways they will never understand until they have kids of their own.... Your time, money, career/education, security, sanity, basic needs (Can anyone say SLEEP?), comfort, convenience, health, marriage, friendships, and pretty much every other aspect of your life is directly connected to the heart of you that wants the best for them, regardless of the sacrifice it requires. Not surprising why it is so hard when we realize that we are ultimately not in control of their lives any more than we are our own, huh? I can not "save" Tate or our other children from life's difficulties any more than I can keep my sweet baby girl from growing up and amazing us on a daily basis.

I can't control the fact that Tate has an omphalocele, or that he is going to have so much to face from the day he is born. In as many ways as possible, I plan to be "in control" of Tate's care by researching and educating myself enough to have the confidence to ask questions and go with my gut as his mama. But no matter which paths we take in his treatments, there is no way to control the outcome and how he responds to them. In a way, these facts are somewhat depressing and can give me anxiety in the worst way when I think about my baby laying in a hospital bed, possibly in pain. But in another way, they are a relief... Whatever we face as a family or as individuals, God is in control, and He is good. He sees all the answers that I don't have right now, and He  is orchestrating everything for our benefit (Romans 8:28). It gives me peace to know that I don't have to be able to see everything and know everything in order to know that we are going to be ok. And while I'm going to be needing a major reminder of this when Tate gets here and I'm freaking out at all the possibilities and trying to make the right decisions for him... I know God will still be there.

So for now, I'm trying to do everything I can to be intentional and soak up the last couple of months before we become a family of five. I'm making an effort to be more "present" with my family, and especially with my baby girl who is about to learn that our world truly doesn't revolve around only her, and she will have to get used to sharing mommy and daddy with her new baby brother. I am snuggling with and kissing my husband more and trying to put the time in to grow our love deeper and stronger before this upcoming test. I'm thinking of ways to make memories that we will never forget with all of us together. And I'm praying and hoping that God will create a strong enough heart in me to raise my kids to really, truly believe in the very depths of their soul that a life lived for God is worth it and that their life is really not about them, after all. And God help me, I will try my hardest to give them an example worth following...because life is moving at warp speed around here! No time to waste.